Can Yirat Shamayim Make You Neurotic?

This is an honest question. Can the "fear/awe of heaven" make you act in a neurotic way? My gut says yes, when we internalize certain mitzvot in a OCD fashion. 

Not sure what this question even means? Let me give you an example from my own life.

I've realized that I don't use hot water during the week. It doesn't even occur to me to turn on the hot water tap. Not on yontif, and not on any day ending in Y. (Minus the two obvious uses: washing the dishes and taking a shower.)

I'd been living this way for at least two years before I really realized what I was doing. And the reason came immediately: I don't use hot water because I'm afraid I'll automatically turn it on during Shabbat. I know that I am a creature of habit and that I operate on autopilot for many common actions during the day. Flipping the bathroom light switch on Shabbat while still half-asleep is still a serious concern for me, but you can't NOT turn on the bathroom light all week. But hot water? You can do almost everything without it. So my brain decided to tackle this problem independent of my conscious mind.

I suppose there's no harm in it?

Controversies You Should Understand: Women of the Wall

If you don't already know about the Women of the Wall, you'll eventually come across it. If you're lucky, you'll run across it in a news article. If you're not lucky, you'll run into it during an angry rant at a Shabbos table.

Yesterday, the Women of the Wall held a special Rosh Chodesh service at the Kotel. And rather than arresting them (as normally happens), the police protected them from protesters. Why? Because three members of the Knesset attended. You can read about it at the Jewish Telegraph Agency (JTA).

Women of the Wall is "a group of Jewish women from around the world who strive to achieve the right, as women, to wear prayer shawls [and tefillin], pray and read from the Torah collectively and out loud at the Western Wall (Kotel) in Jerusalem, Israel." (From their website.) They have special, arrest-heavy services at the Kotel on Rosh Chodesh each month. They may hold services at other times, but I'm only aware of the Rosh Chodesh controversy.

Why is this a big deal? It can lead to a riot. Seriously. Rocks, punches, etc. You'd be surprised. A man may not be willing to walk beside a woman on the street or shake a woman's hand at work, but he can believe that punching a woman in the face or throwing a rock at her is a mitzvah. This is a small minority, but I don't know why we're not placing them in cherem, where they belong. Violence against anyone (whether physical, mental, or emotional) for an alleged violation of halacha is not okay nor is it acceptable in halacha (minus a Sanhedrin), secular law, nor is it behavior befitting a ben Torah. 

So now that we've covered the basics, I'm going to editorialize. You may disagree with me, and that's your right. But hear me out. The condemnation in the community may be the loudest voice, but that doesn't mean it's right (or that it's the right approach to take).

From my (American) legal perspective: If Israel is going to be a democracy, they have no right to have such a prohibition at the Kotel, and they certainly have no right to help orthodox groups to intimidate or harm any woman involved. In fact, a democratic government has the obligation to protect minority groups from intimidation and violence and arrest those who would attack the Women of the Wall. The Kotel is a public space holy to people of many faiths. Why is it okay to do this, but not ban Christians and Muslims? Or, like the Muslim authorities on the Temple Mount, ban the prayer of other faiths being spoken aloud? Shouldn't we next be arresting women who enter orthodox synagogues in pants or tank tops? Just as the state has no right to send in police to enforce the standards of a synagogue owned by a Jewish group, there should be no justification for the police to arrest women at the Kotel to enforce the standards of the same Jewish groups. It's just the right thing to do: police protect people from the riot, not help the riot accomplish its goal of silence and intimidation. That is why we have police: enforce property laws and prevent mob rule. 

My halachic understanding: This is where things get very heated and tricky. The "party line" in orthodox conversations is that this is prohibited by Jewish law. What you rarely hear is that it's not really prohibited (if it is prohibited at all); it's just "not done" in orthodoxy. That doesn't make it against halacha. 

What are the women trying to do? Wear tefillin and a tallit and have prayer services at the Kotel. Not all women who attend these events choose to wear a tefillin or talis. Strictly speaking, women are not prohibited from wearing a tallis and tefilin. Rashi's daughters famously did so. It's just "not done" and it's certainly not obligatory on women. (Arguments against it largely center around it being against custom, if I understand correctly.) According to what I learned, women can choose to obligate themselves in new mitzvot, whether it's davening maariv daily or donning tefilin. However, there is a caveat. A women should only obligate herself in a new mitzvah if she's already fulfilling the mitzvot commanded of her. So if a woman is fulfilling her mitzvot as commanded, I don't have a problem with her taking on non-mandatory mitzvot that have meaning to her. But don't fulfill your mitzvot haphazardly and then claim you want more (that you happen to like better for whatever reason). That's caring only about what you want, not what Hashem wants of you. 

Next we will question the sexual orientation of men who separate challah! Husbands fulfill this "women's mitzvah" all the time. Would we have the same objection to men choosing to do another of the "female mitzvot"? I doubt it. But it's the same thing: it's not done as a general rule. And we all seem to understand why men don't obligate themselves in new mitzvot: they have plenty to do! Yet we degrade women's mitzvot by implying it's "less" and also "less worthy" than the mitzvot of a man. If it makes a man feel more important and "manly" to degrade my obligation in mitzvot, then he lacks a great deal of the qualities required by the Torah. It's comparing apples and oranges. We're different. We have different stuff to do. That doesn't make one more valuable than another or mean there's less work for either. The argument is simply non-sensical to me. And implies he has a lot of problems that have nothing to do with me or my mitzvot. 

But this is why I personally don't take vows to take on new mitzvot. There is always something more for me to work on in the areas I'm commanded. I don't need more mitzvot, I need less if I'm ever going to get this right! I also know that I stumble frequently. There is no need to obligate myself to something I will inevitably mess up later. I mess up my own stuff just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Prayer services are held every day at the Kotel. Playing devil's advocate for the terribleness for women attending minyan at the Kotel: Often the women's side can't hear the service(s), even if a co-ed group stands beside each other at the mechitza (speaking from experience). Women's tefilah groups exist in orthodox and non-orthodox congregations, whether those groups focus on reading Tehillim together or having a full Torah service to allow a learned bat mitzvah to read from the Torah to other women. Should these groups be banned automatically from the Kotel when we allow them in (some of) our shuls?

Sidenote: If you're a conversion candidate, I don't recommend that you attend (or mention attendance) at a women's prayer group unless it's strictly a Tehillim session. While most rabbis I know of agree it's not "wrong," it's "suspicious" and may show "tendencies" of a future of going "off the derech." Didn't you get the memo that women's participation in any mitzvah "above and beyond" is a warning sign of future rebellion?)

But women reading Torah to other women? Women holding a Torah scroll? Women leading davening of other women? I'm not aware of anything wrong with that, though the minyan-specific parts wouldn't be said. My guess is that a Women of the Wall service does hold that women can "count" in a minyan, but even if they didn't, is there something halachically wrong with them saying the parts for minyan at the Kotel, where there is clearly going to be at least a minyan of men present? Those parts of the service aren't supposed to be said without a minyan, but I'm not aware of a prohibition against women saying them. In fact, many orthodox congregations allow women to recite Kaddish loudly (loud enough for the men to hear) during their time of mourning, though they may require "saying" it rather than "singing" it. More shuls allow women to bentch gomel during the Torah service, though saying it from their seat. 

Why do all of the "egalitarian" ideas above become a null and void argument for the Women of the Wall because most (if not all) of the participants are not orthodox Jews? If orthodox Jews could do it, I see no reason why non-orthodox Jews can't. Add that to the legal argument above, which I think is the proper approach for government authorities. I am particularly disappointed in the statement by the Rabbi of the Kotel: 

"The rabbi of the Western Wall, Shmuel Rabinowitz, condemned Tuesday's prayer service. In a statement issued to the media, he said the women brought 'brothers against brothers in unnecessary confrontation' and noted that the wall next to Robinson's Arch has been designated as the area for women's prayer services. 'The Western Wall is the only place shared by all the people of Israel -- and it is not the place to decide or express a world view,' Rabinowitz said. 'I urge anyone for whom the Wall is dear to do whatever he can to keep disputes outside the plaza, and leave the people of Israel one place where there are no demonstrations, clashes and hatred.' "

Isn't protecting the demands of one Jewish group against another Jewish group a "world view" that shouldn't be "decided or expressed" at the Kotel? If that's the case, then both groups should be banned from the Kotel. Or, as befits a democracy, let them both attend. If people wish to protest, they should have the right to do so peacefully. Instead, the group he supports is the one creating demonstrations, hatred, and violent clashes. Not the Women of the Wall. 

Doing what you think is right might lead to a riot. See, for example, the Civil Rights Movement. However, as in the Civil Rights Movement, it is categorically wrong for the oppressor to lay the blame for his actions at the feet of the person intimidated. "She made me spit on her because she wore a tallis at the Kotel (or wore a tank top or had her picture in the newspaper)" should never, ever be allowed to be a justification for conduct in violation of the law, halacha, and being a mensch. You are responsible for your own bad conduct and the chillul Hashems created by it. So own up to it.

At the end of the day, the Women of the Wall should not be a big deal. This unnatural obsession with enforcing the modesty of women is worrisome and looks more and more pathological the longer I hang around the orthodox community. And it's one of the major reasons I am not more "right wing." Though there are many right-wing orthodox people who view these issues reasonably and in proper perspective in comparison with the other mitzvot, these people are overwhelmingly not speaking against the major violations of modesty and derech eretz of the loud, hateful, and sometimes violent "modesty police" in orthodox communities around the world. Their leaders are doing a particularly poor job, usually supporting the poor behavior. And I can't imagine being around people who don't feel the Torah is worth defending against that kind of behavior. Every community has its faults, but I highly value the ability I have, as a modern orthodox woman, to speak about these wrongs and chilul Hashems without fearing that I or my family will be ostracized for it. 

"Your silence gives consent" - Plato

Wint...errrr...Pesach Is Coming!

But don't fret! 

Pesach does not have to be as scary as everyone makes it sound.

Really, truly... preparing for Pesach is not that hard. If you don't have children and regularly sorta-clean your house, you should be able to clean for it in an hour or two. (Kashering the kitchen may or may not take significantly longer, depending on your kitchen and what you believe is required to kasher it for Pesach.) 

Five things to keep in mind:
1. Crumbs are not a "kezayit." They're garbage. Ask Aish if you don't believe me.
2. Neither you nor the dog will be eating any chametz that may or may not exist under your fridge, car seat, or heavy furniture.
3. Don't take "unfit even for a dog to eat" quite so literally. Case in point: the standard is not "poisonous" in most communities. As Rabbi Soloveitchik famously said about a dog who ate toothpaste, "Your dog is crazy." As interpreted by rabbis I know, "You trust a dog to tell you what's fit for a dog to eat?!"
4. Just because you're required to search for chametz doesn't mean you actually have to FIND any. You're not required to hide any. If you insist on hiding some token chametz, please remember to write down where you hid them (and don't make them bigger than a kezayit!).

5. If you pay a person to spend hours vacuuming the pages of your library, I will nominate you for involuntary commitment to a psychiatric ward.

See? Aren't you more relieved already?

I'm not the only person who says that Pesach prep should not give you a mental breakdown.

How to Do Your Pesach Cleaning Cheerfully in One Day

How to Clean for Pesach (Passover) in One Day

Passover Cleaning Made Easy 

If you're uncertain about your community's "theoretical" standards for Pesach (because many OCD-inclined people choose this mitzvah for their entry to the Extreme Machmir Awards), discuss these posts with a friend, mentor, your rabbi, or any other Passover-celebrating Jew you may have access to (if you lack those other resources).

Fair warning: if you're loud-mouthed about how relaxed your Pesach prep was, don't be surprised if people refuse to eat in your house. They could even refuse on principle if you "follow the rules" but your method looks "different" (for example, kashering your kitchen counters instead of covering them). But on the other hand, never be surprised if someone refuses to eat in your house during Pesach. People be cray-cray. A fair number of people refuse to eat in anyone's house during Pesach.

#ProTip: the best part about converting is that you get to choose your minhag. Trust the Sephardi about kitniyot! 

UPDATED: The Hidden Costs of Orthodoxy

Everyone agrees that living an orthodox life is expensive. However, it's more expensive than you imagine it will be. (Keep in mind this post does not take into account conversion costs.)

You know the regular expenses:

Keeping kosher is expensive

• Start-up costs to turn your kitchen kosher by nearly tripling your kitchen supplies
• Kosher meat
• Kosher cheese (especially if you're cholov yisroel)
• Not always having a generic brand available kosher

Raising kids is expensive

• Private school tuition, especially when there isn't any competition in the area
• Kosher-friendly daycare/babysitting
• More clothes to get destroyed/outgrown and replaced: tzitzit and kippot in particular
• Wedding costs for those children. Yes, you're probably going to have to save up more than a house downpayment.

Synagogue membership

High Holyday "tickets"

Giving tzedakah

• The laws of tzedakah are complex and depend on your individual circumstances. But that is an automatic deduction of your take-home income every year for the rest of your life.

But there are some costs you may not have thought about. 

• You're generally restricted to areas with a higher cost of living. Even in small communities, the housing within walking distance of an orthodox synagogue is not going to be in the cheap part of town. 
• You will likely have more children than you would have if you had remained secular. The lesser-discussed aspect of "Keeping Up with the Steins" is that there is more pressure to have larger families. While an only child is becoming the norm in the secular world (says the only child blogger), it is still relatively uncommon in the frum world. It's not unheard of, but people are going to assume you have an only child because of medical issues, not as a personal choice. So multiply your expected child costs from above by 2 or 3...or more. You'll get some discounts for multiple children (assuming you can get them accepted to the same school), but it's not a significant savings.
• Holiday costs. You think about this, but rarely think about it. Buying matzah each year is always surprisingly expensive, even after I've done it for almost a decade. Your food costs in general will be much higher for every holiday and probably Shabbat as well. Travel, cleaning for Pesach, purchasing wine regularly, etc. The little things can add up significantly.
• Job sacrifices. You may have to take a lower-paying or less prestigious job because of Shabbat restrictions. You may have to take a higher-paying job you don't like as much because you need to pay dayschool tuition. 
• Vacation sacrifices. If you don't work for an organization that follows the Jewish calendar (or closes on Jewish holidays), you will use your "vacation" days for holidays. I personally know many people who use all their paid vacation days to cover holidays and still have to take personal, unpaid days to get all the holidays...and that doesn't include taking off for chol hamoed. And we all know how "vacation-like" holidays are, so good luck finding that relaxation intended to create a revitalized and refreshed employee. You may also be responsible for finding people to cover for you or even to pay for that replacement. On the other hand, if you work on the billable hour system, then only Gd can help you come the High Holydays. Don't lose your job.
• Hidden dayschool costs. That "Annual Dinner" is several hundred dollars per plate, and it's not totally "voluntary." "Suggested donations" are rarely ever "voluntary" when the dayschool is involved. 
• Aliyahs and honors in synagogue. Personally, I am very bothered by the concept of "auctioning" honors. I understand that this can generate a large amount of money for the synagogue, but the very concept makes me cringe. However, it's not just holiday honors that are paid for. You may be expected to make a donation for aliyahs. There may be a "suggested" donation amount for it, possibly even extra for getting mishaberachs. This is a good question to ask when interviewing a new shul. 
• Social events. $15 for a synagogue dinner here, $40 for an event there, $75 for a shul fundraiser there. If your shul is like the ones I've attended, almost no "social" event will be free. If you can't afford to go to the shul social events, you will eventually feel isolated from the community (speaking from my experience in two communities).
• Mikvah fees. After you're married, you could be "donating" $10-40 per month to the mikvah for its use. 
• Buying books. I view this as primarily a start-up cost, but the "maintenance" costs of your library will certainly be higher than the average secular consumer. However, in my experience, the people who make this a major expense would have done so even if they were secular (though maybe not as costly in absolute terms). People like me would spend ridiculous amounts of time and money expanding their library even without Judaism, and the bibliophile nature of Judaism is usually a major draw of conversion to begin with!
• Women's haircovering costs. If you're female, you've probably considered this cost. However, you have likely underestimated the maintenance costs. Even if you stick to the "cheap" haircoverings such as hats, berets, and tichels, you're going to need to "update" or replace items every few years. Sheitels are more complicated than I'm familiar with, but know this: they're expensive, and they don't last as long as you would hope. Or you lean too close to the stove and melt the cheap synthetic one. They'll need to be replaced every few years as well. The costs you're definitely not thinking about are dying sheitels, getting them cut, or getting them styled for special occasions. 
• Clothing alterations. A commenter has suggested this, but I don't believe alterations are necessary to make clothing tznius. Also, this is a problem the conversion candidate should have considered from the time he or she became tznius. The only times I've found alterations to be necessary are with formal clothing, such as formalwear, and alterations would be necessary even in the secular world (though perhaps not quite as much). That's my 2 cents. If anyone knows of situations I'm not considering, please comment below.
• Traveling around Shabbat. This is often more of an annoyance than a cost, but I don't have kids yet, and I could see how that could easily change once kids are involved. It's an annoyance that I can't go somewhere "just for Sunday," I need to plan it around Shabbat as well. And if I'm now going to be away for Shabbat, I need to find accommodations and meals. When you're more than one or two people, you likely won't be as comfortable asking to stay in people's homes, and thus may need to pay for a hotel. (Remember that you're limited to hotels that have alternatives to electronic keys!) Perhaps flights are more expensive if you fly to include the whole weekend, but I'm less knowledgeable about that. Driving costs should remain the same, though you still have the annoyance of your travel times being dictated for you. 

Can you think of any other non-obvious costs of the orthodox community?

Of course, almost all costs and "suggested donations" are negotiable. However, don't expect as much of a discount as you'd like, if any at all. Being middle class or below in the orthodox world practically guarantees a few slices of humble pie a year.

So Much Can Change in Two Years

Being unemployed, my life often feels like Groundhog Day. I don't always keep up with the date, and I count myself lucky if I know the day of the week. (And that's probably only because of Shabbat.) Because of this, I almost missed the significance of Sunday, March 3. Two years ago, this day changed my life in ways I never expected.

When I started this blog in October 2010, I was a full-time law student with three jobs and working on the Law Review. Less than six months later, one of the two closest friends I'd had by that point in my life passed away, just as he was helping me plan a whole new life in New York City (where he was originally from). 

The two weeks after his death were one of the lowest points of my life, though there is stiff competition for that title. After Ilan's passing, the "truth" came out about the rabbinical issues I didn't even know I had. A bully tried to ruin my life and any chance I had of converting. Thankfully, I had already planned to leave that part of my life and start anew in New York, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less.

Less than two months after that, I graduated law school and moved from CA to NY. Me, two boxer dogs, a 3-legged cat, and everything I owned in a sedan. I hadn't even seen my new apartment before I moved in. Thankfully, I was now living about 15 minutes from my best friend, but other than her, I didn't know anyone. It was the best chance I ever took, and I've started from scratch several times in my life. Ilan's friends knew that he had planned to help me acclimate to the community he had left, so they stepped up and took me in. I experienced more kindness from strangers in my first year in NY than I have experienced in my whole life. 

That support was needed when the poor economy kept me unemployed for almost a year. Eventually, I found a job I loved, and six months later, the economy stuck again...causing me to be laid off. Another 8 months of unemployment later, I'm not sure that I ever see myself practicing law. Thankfully, I'm ok with that, and I've found a field that can include law, but more importantly, will make me happy on a regular basis. Two years, and only 6 months of employment. Oy. This is a hard blow to the self-esteem for anyone, but I've always worked at least 2 jobs since the age of 19. I haven't taken it so well.

But while the professional side hasn't gone as well as I had hoped, my personal life has changed so much in two years that it's hardly recognizable. 

Based on estimates I received from my old conversion "situation," I couldn't expect to be converted before turning 30. At the time when I moved to NY, I was 27. Today, I'm 28, converted, and married. From zero to 60 in 18 months.

Two years ago, I had lost one of the two best friends I'd ever had. I was stomped upon by every person involved in my conversion up to that point. I feared I would now be blackballed from the RCA conversion courts. And I still had to finish my law school finals and coordinate a cross-country move with three pets. There was a lot of crying, needless to say.

I came to New York in the summer, and the rabbis weren't around for the conversion court over the summer. I finally got things rolling when the school year began and I had finished the bar exam, and I had to deal with the investigation of the accusations against me. I was asked to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. I had no expectation of converting before 30. And I was unemployed and quickly running out of money. Things were bad. 

When Chanukah came, I was in very bad spirits. My roommate reassured me that it's always darkest before the light. While she was right anyway, she was proven partially-psychic when the approval for my conversion came erev Shabbat Chanukah. I expected several more beit din meetings ahead of me, so I was shocked by the news.

Come January, I was converted. I didn't know what to do with myself. We had parties, but I wasn't ready to start dating. I got the much-loved job in February. By the time of the year anniversary of Ilan's death, things in my life were so much better than I could have ever hoped for. I felt like my life had undergone a 180 degree change.

A week later, I met my husband through Ilan's mother. 

Now, at the two year anniversary of Ilan's death, I realize how much a life can change in just two years. And quite honestly, I think I'm ready for it to slow down. It's surprising to me how life continues after tragedies. Life goes on, except for those who know the sad events of years past. I suppose we're all that person at least once or twice a year.

But, because my life resembles Groundhog Day, I didn't know the date. I knew it was coming, but I mixed up the days. I unknowingly spent Sunday in a very happy way: spending time with nearly-free books, my new husband, Doctor Who, and a comfy couch. The happy moments of normal life, a life that wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't known Ilan Tokayer...and then befriended his family. 

Gd works in mysterious ways indeed. How can the happiest and saddest parts of a life be so intertwined? So much has happened to me in two years that I'm both excited and frightened of what the next two years might hold. If you're having similar rock-bottom situations, be comforted by how quickly the positive can be revealed or created. 

May 2013 be a year of revealed good.

A Milestone: 500,000 Blog Views!

Yesterday morning, the blog hit a milestone I never thought I'd see: half a million views (not including feed views). Half a million. Do you guys have nothing better to do with your time than read my rantings and ravings and speculation? Guess not. I hope you've found something that helped you, since I started the blog because I had no one to help me.

But really. I'm amazed. And humbled. And mostly shocked. I really haven't been paying attention to the blog's statistics for more than a year, and I only noticed I was at 499,750 on Saturday night by chance. 

Because I'm a statistics nerd, here are some stats:

First post: October 20, 2010, so the blog is almost 2.5 years old.

Blog site views: 501,500-ish

Facebook "fans": 494

Feed subscribers: 343 that I know of.

The U.S. is responsible for approximately 68% of my traffic, and nearly 10% come from New York City alone.

Major traffic sources:

• Google / Bing / Yahoo / Other search engines
• My Facebook and Twitter (I guess I should eventually try Google+)
• The Frumanista
• Black, Gay, and Jewish
• Crystal Decadenz
• Coin Laundry
• Life in Israel

For some reason, "best cholent recipe ever" is the leading search engine inquiry.

Total money earned from advertising: $383.48. I wouldn't quit my day job if I had one.

Total donations from blog readers: $88 and two wedding presents.

If you want to compare these numbers to the prior milestones I marked, check out the old posts:

• 100 Blog Posts
• 100,000 Views
• One Year of Blogging

The Etiquette of Wishing Someone a Good Shabbos

In a small community, the etiquette of saying "Gut Shabbos" or "Shabbat Shalom" is so obvious: you say it to any Jew you meet on the street. In New York...this is not so clear cut. 

Based on rants to various people and their responses, everyone seems to agree that, in principle, it is still good manners to greet every Jew with Shabbat (or yom tov) good wishes. However, in practice, this can be difficult when you're seeing 60 people on the way to shul and you don't know 4/5 of them. In a small community, you'll likely know (or at least recognize) almost everyone you might give good wishes to. In large communities, the greetings get more awkward both because of the number required and the increased stranger factor. 

And who goes first? It's a vicious form of chicken. "Is she looking at me? Should I say it? Will she say it first? Oh crap, I think I just heard her mumble it! CHAG SAMEACH!" after she has already passed you by.

Adding an even further wrinkle into this conundrum of awkward is when the two people approaching each other are of different genders. In some communities (or as individuals), men may not give a greeting to a woman or respond to a greeting from a woman. In my own community, I have had awkward situations where I've greeted men with Shabbat shalom and they've looked at me like I've slapped them. You can't always tell by clothing which people will take it poorly. In my experience, the yeshivish and chassidic people in my community are generally very happy to return my greeting warmly. But you always run into people who feel my behavior is untznius. This makes me even more nervous to speak to a stranger when I can't predict who will have a bad reaction.

So what do you do? When I lived in small communities (or was traveling abroad), I was excited to wish everyone a Gut Shabbos, but now that I'm in the NYC area, I find that I mostly give strangers awkward smiles and then quiet good wishes if they look friendly. And many times, I just look away and keep walking, just like everyone else. I think that's not right, but some days you just don't have the strength to put yourself out there.

Any particularly awkward stories you'd like to share? Or ways to deal with this without constantly doing the awkward turtle?

The Quinoa Debate of 2013

It's back. The terrible quinoa debate from last year (and maybe years before that, I don't know). I wasn't following the debate last year until during Pesach, when Jewish housewives everywhere lamented the horribleness of the quinoa insanity at every Pesach meal I attended:

Is quinoa "allowed" on Pesach? Is it kitniyot? Is it covered with chametz? 

If you need a refresher on what chametz, kitniyot, and gebrochts are, go here. If you don't know what quinoa is, go here. It's protein-packed and delicious. Especially on shwarma. 

But we'll cover a few basics here just to be safe. 

You're not allowed to eat, own, or benefit from chametz during Pesach. I can't even allow my pets to eat food with chametz in it. Chametz is anything made from the following five grains that has also come into contact with water for more than 18 minutes ("fermented"):

• Wheat 
• Spelt
• Barley
• Oats
• Rye

Kitniyot is a protective fence around the laws of chametz to avoid eating anything that might possibly be mixed with chametz or mistaken for it. I apologize if I get something wrong here, as I don't hold by kitniyot (heck yeah converts getting to choose their own minhagim!). Most people accept that it includes rice, peas, lentils, and beans. As I understand it, the peanut was the most popular "is it or isn't it?" argument item until quinoa became popular. There is also (an increasingly common holding) a ruling that the list of kitniyot is fixed, and no item can be added to the list after a certain date. While I know people who hold by that, I don't happen to know the date.

The Sephardim think Ashkenazi are insane for prohibiting kitniyot, and kitniyot is probably the number one thing Ashkenazim will kvetch about: "I should have married Sephardi!" 

Where does quinoa fit in? Apparently, last year's debate began because a kashrut organization (the OU?) made an announcement two weeks before Pesach proclaiming that quinoa is kitniyot and thus should not be eaten during Passover. Then came an uproar because people had already purchased a great deal of quinoa for Pesach. So then the ruling changed again and said that organic quinoa was kosher for Passover. This opened the organic quinoa black market run by the families who had happened to buy organic quinoa in bulk. Others simply ignored the announcement(s), which isn't a good thing either, if people feel the kashrut organizations are unreliable, ridiculous, or corrupt.

Apparently this week, the Orthodox Union released their annual Passover guide, including a list of kitniyot. The list includes a section of products that "may be kitniyot and are therefore not used." Quinoa fell into that category, but it has now been removed from the list entirely after this week's uproar.

I learned of the latest battle from this blog post: OU812 (or Oh! You are at it Again!). While the debate is now over (for this year, at least), I think this blog post is a great read for people new to the debate or to orthodoxy in general. I love the systematic analysis and the presentation of the issues.

Thanks to the outcry created by blog posts like that, sanity and halacha has prevailed over the more-machmir-than-you tendencies so often present in orthodoxy (and especially kashrut) today.

I have never fixed quinoa, but now I want to make it during Pesach on principle. Likewise, though I don't prohibit myself kitniyot on Pesach, I'm not sure I've ever actually made any. I guess I should get on that.

Conversion Candidates and Dating Websites

It seems like every single (as in "not in a relationship") conversion candidate finally has the day when "it" hits: the overwhelming desire to create a profile on a Jewish dating website. You may not even plan to "use" it, but you need to make one in order to look through the profiles of others. Some do plan to use the profile while converting, especially those going through a liberal conversion. 

The problem becomes...can you? Most Jewish dating sites have restrictions on who is "eligible" for their services, and that often includes converts. A dating site aimed at (or open to) liberal Jews may still require a customer to be a "halachic" Jew, whether that standard is reform, conservative, or orthodox. Even if you have already converted, a site with orthodox standards may refuse to approve the profile of a person with a conservative conversion. This used to make me furious, so I can understand if it makes you angry. Since it doesn't affect me anymore, I'm more open to the "Well, it's a private business..." argument (human nature, I guess!).

The problem is that the sites may not tell you their conversion policy. That's what I object to strenuously. They let you spend three hours filling in your profile, it gets sent for approval, and then you get an email rejecting your profile "because you're not Jewish." One service was kind enough to call me to give me the news in person, as though it isn't hurtful enough to read. After twice being treated that way, I gave them a healthy piece of my mind (as did several others around the same time, I later found out). Hopefully you won't suffer the same indignities that many of us have, but there's still the potential. If you want to find the website's policy, it is most likely in the Help section. You can also contact them before making a profile to save you the trouble.

As I have said many times before, I do NOT recommend dating during the conversion process. However, I know better that I can't stop you from playing with the websites (because I am SO guilty of that).

JDate: Ahh, the old standby. Considering that it offers "willing to convert," "not sure if I'm willing to convert," and "not willing to convert," they'll take anyone and everyone. However, you may not like the choices available there, especially if you're a woman. I used JDate in college ("willing to convert") and was surprised how many used the site to look for one-night stands. Apparently, it made their mothers happy because "If you're going to do one night stands, do them with Jewish girls because eventually you're going to like someone the next morning." I'm told this issue is less of a problem post-college. I do know people who have used the site with great success, even a few orthodox. However, if you're in the orthodox process and using JDate, you will get some tough questions from your rabbis. (The KvetchingEditor wrote about a similar situation on her blog: Orthodox Conversion: Beth Din First Meeting.)

 

Frumster / JWed: The old site Frumster is now known exclusively as JWed. For a while, both sites were available but drew from the same profile pool, from what I could tell. JWed, after many years of not doing so, addresses conversions in its FAQ. It requires "a universally-accepted conversion," defining that as "a conversion to Judaism which has been completed in full and which is recognized by all Jewish streams including the Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox movements." In other words, an orthodox conversion. Why they can't just come out and say that confuses me, and I believe it may give false hope to liberal converts who aren't as aware of the controversy. It also makes me laugh that they believe any conversion is "universally recognized."

Saw You At Sinai (SYAS) / YUConnects / JRetroMatch / J-Junction / Sasson V'Simcha Connections: I met my husband through SYAS, but I ended up there because I like their process much better. I don't see a conversion disclosure on their website, nor is there one when you fill out the profile. However, I know from experience that, even though they gladly work with non-orthodox singles, they do not accept non-orthodox converts as members. It's misleading because they ask you to name your beit din, etc, and you are only notified later when they can't verify that your conversion was orthodox. They need to be more upfront about this to save people the trouble and embarrassment. 

In short, it's best to not even bother until your conversion is done, even for curiosity's sake. It might cause more harm to your self-esteem than the dreamy procrastination is worth.

Do you know of any other Jewish dating sites?

Psychological Testing - The Growing Trend in Conversions

I know, this sounds like a "typical Debbie Downer post from Kochava." But I don't think it is, though what I have to say will probably stir a lot of emotions.

Some of you may not know (and those of you who do may have kept silent) that psychological testing is a growing trend in the conversion world. I have had both a psychological "written test" as well as an actual psychological evaluation by a therapist. 

So let's talk about psychological testing in the conversion process. There should be no shame in these discussions, which is why I will describe this issue using my own case as an example.

I wrote previously about my experience in the written psychological test: "A Rabbi Asked Me Inappropriate Questions" Is a Red Flag...But You Probably Can't Do Anything About It If You Want a Conversion. The written exam is definitely the growing trend in both conversions and the job interview process. I've had them in both contexts, multiple times in the job hunting arena. (Thankfully, I got all those jobs, so I suppose that means I "passed.") Written exams have "right" answers, "wrong" answers, and ones that require further evaluation by talking to the person. A right answer for one authority figure may be the wrong answer for another, so don't assume every test is created equal. 

I do not approve of psychological testing in the conversion context, at least how I have seen it being used. Some of my problems:

A) The test is often "too" thorough, as I noted the sexual questions on the test in the prior post. Job interview psych tests don't have those kinds of questions; they focus more on theft, embezzlement, and laziness. I believe a reasonable conclusion about a person's sanity, assuming you can get one from this method, can be done without hitting all the Freudian notes.
B) The test is usually (if not always, in some groups) administered by someone who is not trained in psychology or any related field. I can't know this, but it seems like (based on my experience) someone could simply print this questionnaire from the internet and analyze each question based on the analyst's (can't imagine it's anyone but a rabbi) interpretation of the "correct" answers for that particular question. I find it hard to believe these rabbis have been specifically trained in how to give such a test, much less how to evaluate it or deal with "questionable" responses (or how much weight those questionable responses should be given).
C) It is so easy to lie. As I said in the prior post, I answered honestly, and I know I was an idiot for doing so. If you've ever taken a psychological test, the answers are often very clear: "Have you ever killed an animal?" "Have you ever taken office supplies home?" "Do you take frequent breaks while working?" There are even "how to" instructions for how to pass these kinds of tests! See, for example, eHow. A "bad" candidate can get through this test almost as easily as a "good" candidate, if not more easily. A "good" candidate is more likely to answer honestly and then be punished for doing so.
D) What does it even prove? So maybe you do have issues stemming from childhood physical or sexual abuse. Maybe you do have low self-esteem. Maybe you do have a diagnosed psychological issue. Maybe you are a little nutty. Does that mean you'll be a bad Jew? I don't think those are mutually-exclusive. If the test were being used to spot potential issues and deal with them, that would be one thing. My suspicion is that they're simply a way to weed out "undesireables" or maybe even to target "discouragement" more effectively. I don't believe these tests are being used correctly, and that even if they were, do they really accomplish anything to begin with?

So if I disapprove of psychological tests so strongly, how can I be "okay" with psychological evaluations? Most importantly, psychological evaluations are done by an out-of-house professional: someone unconnected to the beit din (except maybe socially) and who has no stake in your conversion. But it's also a professional: someone who knows what traits to focus on, how to test troublesome issues, and how much weight any issues should be given. And even better, if issues are present, the counselor/therapist/psychologist can explain potential follow-up options and help you get any assistance you may need (or want!).

Psych evals are the growing trend, but no one talks about them. No one wants to say, "Yeah, the beit din sent me to a head shrinker." The Jewish community, particularly in some communities, still stigmatize mental health issues and believe they'll go away if ignored. I was sent for a psych eval, and I knew it was not something you mention to your dates later. Of course, I did, but only because I made it into a funny story or an anger-inducing story as a call to action to protect conversion candidates, as the situation required. As you know, I'm a weirdo. 

My understanding is that batei din are increasingly requiring every candidate to go through a psych eval. In my opinion, this is the best case scenario. No one is singled out; it's "standard operating procedure." It should be (but probably isn't) listed in their conversion application and costs disclosure. (Yes, every beit din should disclose potential costs to you at the beginning, which is getting more common.) Psych evals cost money, and it's money the candidate will have to pay. There may be ways to find a mutually-acceptable person approved by your insurance company or to negotiate reduced fees. As I was unemployed and without insurance, I negotiated a reduced fee (technically, the beit din negotiated it for me because they're awesome guys), but it was still very expensive. In the end, I asked my parents to pay for it as my Chanukah gift that year, and the therapist was very patient and accommodating. 

I believe that a psych eval can be very helpful to the candidate, as well as the beit din. I'm a strong believer in psychology, self-improvement, and personal growth. I'm the annnoying person who reads books about those topics and actually tries to implement them into my life. I recognize that this is unusual; most people are content to address problems when they become a problem, not seeking out problems. My college's motto was "Know Thyself" (like probably 400 other colleges), and I strongly believe in that. Conversion candidates are obviously already open to change and discomfort, so they are in the perfect position to do a self-evaluation of their motives and history and how it lead to this life path. I believe a psych eval can help by bringing in a disinterested third party with professional training to help you identify the path that lead you here. It's also harder to lie to yourself that a problem isn't really a problem until you have an objective observer. That's just human. In short, I suggest that everyone, candidate or not, can benefit from this kind of discussion with a professional.

Problems I'd like to see addressed: How much information and what kind of information is passed from the psychologist to the beit din? Is it merely a "I do/do not believe this person is an acceptable conversion candidate from a psychological standpoint" or "I believe this person is an acceptable conversion candidate from a psychological standpoint, but has issues with X, Y, and Z" or "I do not believe this person is an acceptable candidate for conversion because of X, Y, and Z"? Who gets the info: the entire beit din? Their intern or secretary? Only the administrative rabbi? Only the av beit din? From a lawyer's perspective, the rabbis and psychologists should be paying more attention to the HIPPA issues and create a form that explains what information is being given to whom. (And get the candidate's signature!)

Others are asked to do a psych eval on an ad hoc basis, as I was. However, in my situation, certain bullies had made very public accusations about my mental health. Unfortunately, when someone calls you crazy, it's not very effective to turn the insult around. So I was asked to undergo a couple of sessions (number to be determined by the therapist) with a licensed social worker who was also frum and had worked with many other conversion candidates. It wasn't the most pleasant experience, but it certainly wasn't a bad one. I was nervous and I was angry to be there in the first place, but she did her job efficiently and respectfully. I suppose I "passed," but she did give me her evaluation of my personality and struggles I faced and some psychological options to pursue if I wished. Everyone could use a professional to talk to (and has at least one issue to deal with). However, it's a luxury that many of us cannot afford. But I won't lie to you, I would like to have that luxury one day, as my life has been very difficult in many ways.

From the perspective of the rabbis, I think standardized psychological evaluations would also benefit them. There must be few things scarier than telling someone that you believe that she, that individual, needs a psych eval. If you believe (or have been told) that a person is mentally unstable, you have no idea how they will react. Even "normal" people could break down in tears or become angry. When I was sat down for "the psych eval" conversation, I noticed immediately how nervous the rabbi was. I became terrified because I didn't know what could make him afraid! He gave a long explanation of the facts that had lead up to that moment, and then climaxed by saying they had decided the fairest (and most objective) way to deal with the accusations was to ask me to go through a psych eval. To his visible shock, I took it in stride and agreed with him that the situation required it. I wasn't pleased that bullies' accusations were going to put me out almost $500, but I did (and still do) believe that was the only practical option available to the beit din. And I was thankful for the opportunity to address the accusations, as I had not been given that opportunity by others. I felt that my word was being given equal weight finally, and I was thankful.

There is a deeper question that is sidestepped by this post: why is an analysis of a candidate's mental health an issue for the rabbis at all? That is a much tougher question, but the longer I'm in the conversion community, the more I understand part of the reason why. I will not sugarcoat this: there are some really effin' crazy people trying to get converted. Sometimes the craziness is totally harmless, and sometimes it is the sole reason someone is seeking a conversion. For example, in my case, I believe the therapist (I guess that's what you call social workers doing therapy?) explored a great deal into whether I was converting as a means of escaping my past (and I believe she would investigate that thoroughly in every conversion candidate). For example, someone who suffered in a former religion may simply be running to another religion, without really caring for what religion it is. Or someone with a missing or abusive family history may be trying to build a new family and community, again without really affiliating with the Jewish religion. Someone with aggressively religious family may be using conversion solely as a rebellion. Some people may want to build a new persona to escape their history, much as some people lose themselves in World of Warcraft or other "communities." I believe these can be factors that bring a candidate to Judaism (and even keep him or her there), but if it is the sole factor, that person isn't an acceptable conversion candidate under the halacha. Many things bring a person to Judaism, so those factors aren't bad in themselves, so long as there is the sincere affiliation with the Jewish religion and faith. I've written before about some of these factors: Why on Earth Would Someone Convert to Judaism? Even if those issues aren't an issue worth blocking or delaying a conversion, it can be very powerful to pinpoint those issues and working through them either alone or with a professional. Know thyself.

ADDENDUM: A smart friend made a very insightful comment that I thought should be included: "The further removed we are from one another and the less known you are as a person to your converting rabbi, the more standard this will become. But instead of seeing this as the inevitable result of concentrating the business of conversion into fewer venues, I guess we can see how this now 'makes sense'. And the more extreme things get the more things will continue to make sense until someone decides enough is enough. Obviously, I'm not in favor of routine psych evals. However, the more extreme the system gets the more 'normal' the extreme will seem."